made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
