Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
