my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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