I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
