I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Randomize
