The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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