my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
