At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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