my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
