I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
