Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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