By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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