sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
