soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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