I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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