Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
