and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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