When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
