Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
