My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
