My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
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