between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
