1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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