I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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