I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
