I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
