I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
