I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
