i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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