Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
