Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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