i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
