I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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