Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
wakey wakey hands off snakey
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
