I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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