oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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