For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
