this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
