Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
