honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
