They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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