My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
