I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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