even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
