I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
