I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
