and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
