I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
