what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
