i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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