My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
