Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
