His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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